Intimacy: Helping you have healthier affection, friendship, love
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,In the process of love and being loved, we have experienced pain, fear, and experience of ecstasy and bliss. We are eager to establish a sincere intimacy, but we are afraid of being injured again.
,Once we thought that only the efforts of both sides could save a relationship, but we did not know that unilateral improvement would allow us to reach the other side of the soul relationship. ,I thought that the dispute in intimacy was only due to disagreement or dislike, but I didn’t know that it was hiding the needs of childhood...
,We are eager to use a road map to guide us through the complex obstacles of intimate relationships, to understand and melt the original beliefs behind emotions and emotions, to accept current problems and to transform them into appreciation, to get out of the endless cycle of victimization, persecution and salvation, and to return to intimacy. ,At the moment of the relationship, feel the happiness that love brings to us.
,【About the Author】
,Risdorf F. Meng is an international speaker, life coach and consultant with nearly 30 years of experience in the field of individual and group coaching. ,He uses a wide range of experience to help individuals guide their actions intuition, find the answers they are looking for, and experience the lightness of living in the downstream, thus achieving a better standard of living. ,The unique experiential method he created creates a seamless integration of theory and life.
,【table of Contents】
,First, the essence of intimacy
,Second, the moon halo phenomenon
,Attracting magnetic field
,2. Expectations and requirements
,Third, the stage of disillusionment
,5. Win in a state of mind
,Fourth, introspection stage
,Pass through the wall
,2. Victims of the prison
,3. Traps in the prison of prisoners
,4. The principle of getting out of the victim's prison
,V. Apocalyptic stage
,2. Believe in love
,First, the essence of intimacy
,Each of us wants to have a good intimate relationship, but many people have not been able to get what they want in their lives.
,In the journey of finding a partner, we constantly search for, lose or leave someone, so that we can cycle through it until we find the ideal partner, or find someone who can barely make it, and it will not be a good life.
,The real root of the problem of intimacy is like a mystery of no solution. Why we are not behind TA can actually have an unknown purpose. ,Some people may be surprised, but in fact all the problems and setbacks of intimacy exist for this purpose.
,On the surface, we seem to be alone or eager to share our emotions, but in fact behind our intimacy, our souls guide us to experience spiritual satisfaction. ,It can be said that the intimate relationship between day and night is the first stage of the "soul relationship" at the high level.
,Now let's understand the necessary stages of all interpersonal relationships and their causes, and find a simple and natural way to overcome obstacles and move toward a higher level of "soul relationship."
,Second, the moon halo phenomenon
,The two people in the intimate relationship are attracted to each other at the beginning, and then step by step to collide with the spark of romance.
,We have met thousands of people in our lives. Why do you just "the kind of people" who have taken your heart? ,Is it love at first sight, chemical reaction, or loneliness? ,However, all the facts prove that the real motivation behind starting and maintaining a close relationship is actually demand. ,This main motivation constitutes the "attractive magnetic field" between people.
,Attracting magnetic field
,According to the theory of motivation, people's behaviors are made under the control of their motives. In other words, our behavior is to meet some of our needs. ,We pursue or attract others to be our partners because we need his/her companionship, care, understanding, support, appreciation, touching and embracing.
,We learned to let others meet our needs as a child, this is the father and mother. ,In "Positive Discipline" we mentioned that the two main needs of children are the sense of belonging and the importance of confirming themselves. ,Both types of needs come from the instinct of "love and be loved" shared by human beings.
,A sense of belonging and the importance of self-identification: As children struggle to find a sense of belonging, they quickly realize that if you want to be loved forever and become an important part of your parents' life, the best way is to prove that you have special value. ,Then the desire to "become special" was born, and this desire is the main reason for inspiring our romantic feelings. ,Case:,,,,Mary grew up under strict tutoring, and her parents ordered the child to be "invisible." ,For example, when parents find that she has thrown a toy, she will throw her toy into the trash can, and confiscate all her toys, not allowed to play for a month. ,Slowly, Mary is convinced that she is the burden of her parents. ,After being with John, Mary once again felt the pain of being asked to be an "invisible man" when she was a child, because John conveyed the same message to her, reminding her of the sad past.
,John was born into a family with many children. When he was a child, he always felt that he was talking. ,Because there are so many brothers and sisters, what he said, no other brothers and sisters interjected, no one noticed him. ,And parents can't take care of him because they have a lot of children, so he often feels that he is ignored. ,When his request was ignored many times, it touched the pain of his childhood. ,The truth of the matter is that John and Mary are trying to control each other's behavior in order to control the trauma of the past.
,Every intimate relationship encounters difficulties, and behind each question is accompanied by some emotional pain. ,It is this kind of pain that leads to quarrels, criticisms or mutual accusations. ,If we encounter difficulties but indulge ourselves arbitrarily, this will lead to the feelings of the two people gradually drifting away. ,On the surface, the two sides of the dispute seem to often stand in a relative position, but in fact, all disputes originate from the common pain of both sides. ,As long as they can detect each other's problems, they can turn arguments into understanding.
,In the struggle for rights, we must contain elements of anger that motivate us to make ruthless behaviors, such as attacking the personality of a partner, facing each other or fighting the Cold War.
,In fact, we have two reasons for being angry with our partners: First, anger can paralyze the pain in our hearts and overwhelm all negative emotions. ,The second is to make the other person feel guilty, so that they can effectively control the other party's behavior. ,Unfortunately, it is always easier to protect yourself with anger than to face pain. ,It's just that we are used to expressing anger in three ways: attack, emotional withdrawal, and passive attack.
,So how should we handle anger correctly? ,The author's suggestion is that if you can directly face the deepest pain in your heart, it is undoubtedly the best way to resolve the contradictions in intimate relationships. ,Case:
,Mary: Have you seen the electricity bill? ,More than 2000 in the last quarter.
,John: Dear, winter is here, we have increased our electricity consumption.
,Mary: But then we have no money to go on holiday.
,John: I can go to the class more, so that's fine. ,Mary? ,Are you ok? ,(John starts listening)
,Mary: No, I feel angry. This electricity bill makes me feel that our life can never be improved. ,(Mary begins to pay attention to her emotions)
,John: I understand, but our weekend can't be ruined like this. ,I hope we can go out and have fun. ,(John has now determined the intention to make both people happy.) So maybe I can ask for a raise on Monday.
,Mary: No, it’s not the electricity bill that really bothers me, nor is it too much for you to work overtime. ,I have encountered this problem many times. From birth to now, I have always felt that I am a loser. ,(Mary chose not to blame John, so she noticed her own journey.)
,John: It sounds like you feel that you have no value. ,I hope you understand that you have a very important place in my heart. ,(John tried to share the pain of Mary and to comfort her with a respectful attitude.)
,Mary: Thank you, I really hope that I can feel this way. ,Since I was a child, I feel that I have no value. ,No matter how hard I try, I still feel that I am the burden of my parents. (? Mary continues to share her feelings with John and is becoming more and more aware of the root causes of suffering.)
,John: No one loves?
,Mary: That's right!
,John: I understand your feelings. My mother always makes me feel the same. She always complains that I have no money. ,(John understands that Mary and his fellow sympathy, and let yourself feel the deep emotions.)
,Mary: Me too, no value. ,However, you are really good. ,I often want to break up with you because I don't think I can match you. ,(Two people continue to share a deeper feeling and gradually find harmony.)
,John: You never told me! ,Dear, you are the best for me.,,,,The best way to end the sacrifice pattern is to be conscious and take full responsibility. ,As long as you have the will, the true effort will let you know the true self.
,Attached to the plot of the prison
,When you are a child, if you lose your parents' love, then you will suffer because you lose your sense of belonging, and feel that you are not doing well enough. ,Then you will give up a large part of your true self and try to shape yourself into what you think parents will like. This is called attachment. ,Case:
,Tony's wife is pregnant and feels discomfort both physically and mentally. ,When the wife passed by him, Tony suddenly decided to clean the room. After cleaning, he went to the dishes and folded the clothes. Finally, Tony found that he felt like him when he was a child. ,Tony's mother was unhappy for a while. Little Tony felt that his mother was unhappy because he was wrong, so he thought that if the house was cleaned, maybe the mother would be happy.
,The suffocating results of the attached plot are most evident in the introspective phase. ,People who feel suffocated will feel that they have no life, and they want to blame their partner for taking away his life and want to push away their partner.
,If you want to get rid of the attachment, you don't need to escape from your own intimacy. You can choose to be true to yourself and face a series of upcoming chain reactions. ,Your intentions can be fulfilled when you figure out what you want and if you are willing to accept the fact that your partner does not have to be your supplier.
,The root cause of competition is “deficiency”, which means that there are not enough resources to distribute to everyone. ,If you believe in this idea, then you will look at the whole world from a "deficiency" point of view, and feel that there is not enough love to give it to you, so you must defeat other competitors to get what you need.
,Those who fight for special things will also happen in your intimate relationship. ,For example, you will compare with your partner and treat friends and children as prizes (Do you like daddy or love mom?) or you may simply prove to your partner that you are special.
,When you bring the competition into an intimate relationship, your desire to be a special person will keep you and your partner continually struggling, causing a rift between your partners. ,To end the competition, you must be awake and honestly face your attitude towards intimacy.
,Temptation of death
,The "temptation of death" represents the fear that you are afraid to face more pain. ,Maybe you don't want to die, but you are afraid to continue to face the fear of reality that cannot be changed, and it is not far from the desire to die. ,In the face of this challenge, many people will say: "I don't want to feel this way anymore, I am willing to die."
,In this situation, no matter what choices you make, you should choose to be life-motivated. ,Choosing life, hope, clear goals and sense of direction will follow.
,If you find that a close relationship is deadlocked and you are not or will not be close to your partner, you must be aware of the power behind this stalemate. ,"The temptation of death" urges you to be willing to let the intimate relationship stagnant or even end, and not to face the side of yourself or your partner is not cute. ,If you are in a situation where you want to die, or if you really want the end of intimacy, please face the pain you are suffering.
,4. Step out of the principle of "victim prison"
,In the intimate relationship, there are many "walls" that surround us. How can we "walk through the wall"? ,How to get out of the prison of the victim? ,Although there is no formula for intimacy, there are still some principles that are common:
,1. To solve the problem, you must first jump off the framework of the problem. ,You have to break through your own knowledge and know where your problems are.
,2. All the questions are actually disguised gifts and valuable experience. ,That is, when you solve a problem, it is not just a matter of dishwashing or electricity, but a problem that your inner needs are not being met.
,3. Everything you see is a projection of your inner world.
,4. Everyone has the ability to be 100% responsible for the things in their lives. ,Marriage life is a matter for you alone. It is a matter for you to face your own heart, adjust your own state, and then understand the gap in your heart. You should not blame others.
,5. Freedom does not come from the answer, but from the problem. ,It is able to ask a good question and find out what is wrong with the intimate relationship. ,Finding this problem, we are closer to freedom.
,6. No problem is big enough to love can't be solved. ,It is everything, as long as you treat it with love and solve it with the method of love, you will be able to solve this problem.
,V. Apocalyptic stage